29thday ofSeptemberin the year2008
~From today’s Gospel reading, John 1:47-51
What an amazing thing Our Lord said of Nathanael! May He make me worthy of having the same said of me. No duplicity, I am what I am before the Lord, before my family, and before strangers.
22ndday ofSeptemberin the year2008
Q. 150. Why did God make you?
A. God made me to know Him, to love Him, and to serve Him in this world, and to be happy with Him forever in the next.
”~Baltimore Catechism
The more I know Him, the more I love Him, and the more I desire to serve Him.
Through St. Faustina, God is teaching me about His mercy. I have felt His mercy all through my life, but receiving it and understanding it are not the same. Accepting mercy and becoming a channel of His mercy are again, two different things. Mercy is directly opposed to anger, and increasingly offering mercy will proportionately decrease eruptions of anger. One simply cannot be merciful and angry at the same time.
As a parent, though, I need to further contemplate how to incorporate mercy into the guidance and discipline of children.
I have been led to an increasing role of service, as well. In the process of seeking information on NFP teacher training, our diocesan coordinator of Marriage and Family Life disclosed they were in need of another couple for their Marriage Prep seminars. My husband and I have volunteered to fill this gap. I’ve also discovered that my parish is in need of my skills on the computer, so I can serve my parish from my own home.
Serving never requires us to do more than what He has already created within us, though sometimes we may need to dig a little to discover what that is. I’ve been in roles before becoming Catholic, that were decidedly not within my talent set, and that’s an uncomfortable place to be. Finding areas more suited to my abilities are a joy!
3rdday ofSeptemberin the year2008
Half the kids are back in school now. I am starting a new habit of daily…well, not Mass because we don’t have daily Mass, but daily whatever is offered on any given day, anyway. Today was Liturgy of the Word/Communion. My challenge is two years old, and it’s a wonder I can glean anything while trying to wrestle him down. Many times we can’t even get him all the way through Mass with both my husband and I together, so I may be attempting the nearly impossible with this particular child. The baby and the four year old are a dream.
Anyway, between wails of anguish, I heard a nice discourse on the struggles we all have of scraping the gunk out of our “earthen vessel” selves and filling up with Christ. I found myself having to put down a few self-righteous thoughts, though, when the Pastoral Minister mentioned troubles she and our Priest have sometimes, with letting disagreements with Church teaching cloud their presentations.
It is only by God’s Grace that I have worked through my own disagreements and misunderstandings of the faith. I have sins of my own, which while not expressly disagreements with Church teaching, are failures to live up to the standards of the Gospel.
I appreciate our Pastoral Minister’s candor about her struggles, and join her in prayer that we will all be more successful in scrubbing out our accumulated muck and be filled with the Holy Spirit.
Come, Holy Spirit!
8thday ofAugustin the year2008
A Deeper Knowledge of God and the Terror of the Soul.
In the beginning, God lets himself be known as Holiness, Justice, Goodness - that is to say, Mercy. The soul does not come to know this all at once, but piecemeal, in flashed; that is to say, when God draws near. And this does not last for long, because the soul could not bear such light. During prayer the soul experiences flashes of this light which makes it impossible to pray as before. Try as it may to force itself to pray as it did before, all is in vain; it becomes completely impossible for it to continue to pray as it did before it received this light. This light which has touched the soul is alive within it, and nothing can either quench or diminish it. This flash of the knowledge of God draws the soul and enkindles its love for Him.
But this same flash, at the same time, allows the soul to know itself as it is; the soul sees its own interior in a superior light, and it rises up alarmed and terrified. Still it does not remain under the effects of terror, but it begins to purify itself, to humble and abase itself before the Lord. These lights become stronger and more frequent; the more the soul is crystallized, the more these lights penetrate it. However, if the soul has responded faithfully and courageously to these first graces, God fills it with His consolations and gives himself to it with His consolations and gives himself to it in a perceptible manner. At certain moments, the soul, as it were, enters into intimacy with God and greatly rejoices in this; it believes that it has already reached the degree of perfection destined for it, because its defects and faults are a sleep within it, and this makes it think that they no longer exist. Nothing seems difficult for it; it is ready for everything. It begins to plunge itself into God and taste the divine delights. It is carried along by grace and does not take account of the fact that the time of trial and testing may come. And, in fact, this state does not last long. Other moments will soon come. I should add here, however, that the soul will respond more faithfully to divine grace if it has a well - informed confessor to whom it can confide everything.
Trials sent by God to a soul which is particularly loved by Him. Temptations and darkness; Satan.
The soul’s love (for God) is still not such as God would have it. The soul suddenly loses the tangible perception of God’s presence. Various defects and imperfections rise up within it, and it must fight them furiously. All her faults lifted up their heads, but the soul’s vigilance is great. The former awareness of the presence of God gives place to coldness and spiritual dryness; the soul has no taste for spiritual exercises; it cannot pray, either in the old way, or in the manner in which it had just begun to pray. It struggles this way and that, but can find no satisfaction. God has hidden himself from it, and it can find no consolation in creatures, nor can any of these creatures find away of consoling it. The soul craves passionately for God, but sees its own misery; it begins to sense God’s justice; it seems to it that it has lost all the gifts that God has given it; its mind is dimmed, and darkness fills it; unspeakable torments begins. The soul tries to explain its state to the confessor, but it is not understood and is assailed by an even greater unrest. Satan begins his work.
Faith staggers under the impact; the struggle is fierce. The soul tries hard to cling to God by an act of will. With God’s permission, Satan goes even further: hope and love are put to the test. These temptations are terrible. God supports the soul in secret, so to speak. The soul is not aware of this, but otherwise it would be impossible to stand firm; and God knows very well how much He can allow to befall a soul. The soul is tempted to unbelief in respect to revealed truths and to insincerity towards the confessor. Satan says to it, “Look, no one understands you; why speak about all this? Words that terrify it sounds in its ears, and it seems to the soul that it is uttering these against God. It sees what it does not want to see. It hears what it does not want to hear. And, oh, it is a terrible thing at times like these, not to have an experienced confessor! The soul carries the whole burden alone. However, one should make every effort to find, if it is at all possible, a well informed confessor, for a soul can collapse under the burden and come to the very edge of the precipice. All these trials are heavy and difficult. God does not send them to a soul which has not already been admitted to a deeper intimacy with Him and which has not yet tasted the divine delights. Besides, in this God has His own plans, which for us are impenetrable. God often prepares a soul in this way for His future designs and great works. He wants to try it as pure gold is tried. But this is not yet the end of the testing; there is still the trial of trials, the complete abandonment of the soul by God.
The Trial of Trials, Complete Abandonment - Despair.
When the soul comes out victorious from the preceding trials, even though it may stumble here and there, it fights on valiantly, humbly calling upon God, “Save me, I am perishing!” And it is still able to fight on. At this point, however, the soul is engulfed in a horrible night. It sees itself completely abandoned by God. It feels itself to be the object of His hatred. It is but one step away from despair. The soul does its best to defend itself; it tries to stir up its confidence; but prayer is an even greater torment for it, as this prayer seems to arouse God to an even greater anger. The soul finds itself poised on the summit of a lofty mountain on the very brink of a precipice.
The soul is drawn to God, but feels repulsed. All other sufferings and tortures in the world are as nothing compared with this sensation into which it has been plunged; namely, that of being rejected by God. No one can bring it any relief; it finds itself completely alone; there is no one to defend it. It raises its eyes to heaven, but is convinced that this is not for her - for her all is lost. It falls deeper and deeper from darkness to darkness, and it seems to it that it has lost forever the God it used to love so dearly. This thought is torture beyond all description. But the soul does not agree to it and tries to lift its gaze towards heaven, but in vain! And this makes the torture even more intense.
If God wished to keep the soul in such darkness, no one will be able to give it light. It experiences rejection by God in a vivid and terrifying manner. From its heart burst forth painful moans, so painful that no priest will comprehend it, unless he himself has been through these trials. In the midst of this, the evil spirit adds to the soul’s sufferings, mocking it: ‘Will you persist in your faithfulness? This is your reward; you are in our power!’ But Satan only has as much influence over the soul as God allows him, and God knows how much we can bear. “What have you gotten out of your mortifications,” says Satan, “and out of your fidelity to the rule? What use are all these efforts? You have been rejected by God!” This word “rejected”, becomes a fire which penetrates every nerve to the marrow of the bone. It pierces through her whole being. The ordeal reaches its climax. The soul no longer looks for help anywhere. It shrinks into itself and loses sight of everything; it is as though it has accepted the torture of being abandoned. This is a moment for which I have no words. This is the agony of the soul.
”Divine Mercy in My Soul, St. Faustina
I strongly hesitate, in fact I refuse, to claim that God’s purpose in acting this way in my life is like St. Faustina says, “[preparation] …for His future designs and great works,” not out of a false sense of humility, but because it remains to be seen if that is God’s intention. I don’t decide what God’s will is for my life, and I don’t presume to know, either. But even so, this passage is such an accurate portrayal of what I have been living the last couple years. Not necessarily to the same depth as St. Faustina, at least not continually so, but I’ve confessed my despair of Christ’s movement in my life. I’ve weeped over the state of my soul, and felt that He has become distant when I need Him to help me progress. I’ve felt that my prayers were unanswered or even unheard. I’ve started and abandoned plans for prayer and Scripture reading, finding little fruit within.
Now the fog seems to be lifting and I can once again feel His presence. I’m looking forward in Hope to a closer relationship. Once again, absolution in Confession is meaningful. I don’t feel like I’m just spiritually wrong, anymore.
But just as the pall over my life would wax and wane, so the light seems to come and go, though more frequently and brighter as weeks go by. I do believe that God has a purpose through all this. I feel greater self-control than I ever have in my life.
I pray that God will make me pleasing in His sight, empty out my self and all that is fractured within it, and fill me up with His Grace. Amen.
~Jesus to St. Faustina #27
I have never cried when reading a book before, but this quote made me cry. This was something I needed so desperately to hear from my Lord.
Thank you, Lord, for St. Faustina’s witness and her legacy through her diaries.
7thday ofAugustin the year2008
what a friend we have in Jesus (with lyrics) (via JESUSgirls)
Is Jesus my best friend? I love Him. I worship Him. I believe I would die for Him. But I can’t say that I feel that our relationship is really a “friendship” and I really desire that. In contemplating how I can achieve that goal, and bring myself closer to God, I thought about what a relationship with a best friend is like. Best friends enjoy one another’s company frequently. They share one another’s joys and burdens. Big things and little things. Thoughts and feelings. I need to share more of myself with Jesus. Because God knows all my thoughts, I have not purposefully prayed in such a way as to share them, feeling it unnecessary. But I think this is the missing element in progressing to a deep friendship with my Savior.
Lord, help me to open myself to you. Help me to share the depths of my heart, intentionally, purposefully. Amen.
When I find myself feeling cranky and starting to be too vocal at the children, I’ve been trying to remember to ask St. Francis de Sales to pray for me. Soon I have better control over my mood and the expression of it. Thank you, St. Francis.
30thday ofJulyin the year2008
Is it presumptuous to feel that Christ’s words to St. Faustina are directed to me as well?
I believe part of the darkness in my soul is feeling like my time spent speaking to Him is not a reciprocal conversation. But when I read St. Faustina’s Diary, I feel like He is speaking to me, explaining why I’ve heard nothing but silence. It feels like more consolation than I have gotten in a long time.
Since my previous post, I have been far more hopeful, and I think, far easier to live with. I feel that I am finally able to have a bit of self-control and to bite my tongue before I loudly express my discontent, disdain or disatisfaction. This is wonderful progress, and I am so grateful, Lord! Because I know it is all Your work.
But, I want to feel that He and I truly have a working friendship. So, I’m praying for that. My intention and goal is to share my thoughts and life with Him in a more direct and purposeful way. I also need to find more times of silence to listen for Him, but that can be difficult with 6 young children.
16thday ofJulyin the year2008
Let’s see, where did I leave off….
The Spirit has been MOVING, and it is grand! After a couple long talks with a good convert friend, our latest daughter’s god-father, I seem to have a reviving of joy in my soul. Like he said, sometimes the Holy Spirit waits until you hunger and thirst for Him. Starting this blog was evidence enough of that. I’m tired of despair and anger being too close at hand.
So the following day, I received St. Faustina’s Diary in the mail. It’d been backordered from when I’d originally ordered it a few weeks ago. No book has ever made me cry, but one passage from a visitation of Christ to St. Faustina did just that.
I’ve realized that my heart has just been hard. And now it feels as if someone ran it through a food-processor. Life is too painful by half, but I feel alive and myself again, like I haven’t in years. This wasn’t an all-at-once tenderizing, no, I’ve felt it coming on by degrees. I told my husband a couple weeks ago that I am just not cut out to be a mother. He thought that an interesting observation to make after our birthing six of the little creatures together. But what I mean is, it just breaks my heart to watch my dear little children choose sin. I’m not sure that I’ll be able to endure all these little ones coming to the age of reason, and making poor choices and behaving badly. We’ve had some humdingers from our oldest (11) lately, but number three is coming into his own and showing a propensity to lying. We’re trying hard to nip it in the bud, but it just breaks my heart.
My friend made an observation that he felt a heaviness about our home. I’m glad he said it. As soon as he did, I recognized what he meant, but before I guess I just was living the way it was. I do believe we have been under spiritual attack, and I’ve been doing my best to ride it out, rather than taking up my birthright and fighting. I’m not laying low any longer. St. Michael and I had a nice chat directly following that conversation. This past weekend, when the entire family was gathered together, we blessed the house using a version of the Rite adapted for layity. Following that, I found a blessing for my husband to use with the children, nightly. It is beautiful to watch them kneel before their father to receive his blessing. The atmosphere of our home is greatly improved.
My prayer is that I/we will continue to grow closer to our Savior. While I feel much more progress has been made in the last few weeks, I still don’t feel as close to Him as I would like.
8thday ofJulyin the year2008
In my process of conversion into the Catholic Church, I’ve recognized that many ministries and traditions of the protestant communities I was part of are a reimagining of Catholic Sacraments. Other aspects are errors born of rebellion. These observations accumulated in my mind to the point where I felt to be Catholic meant to turn from much of what I grew up believing. I now realize my errors and have gone too far down that road. Almost a rebellion in itself, though there was no animosity or intent. I have recently been reminded of some lessons that I had forgotten. It’s important to know that all Truth belongs within the Catholic Church. That is, if it is true, it is not opposed to Catholic teaching. Through Her, God has revealed all Truth to the whole world and our separated brothers and sisters have distinct points of view on the truth from which we can learn.
Simply, I was reminded that it is okay to ask for God to reveal Himself. Thirsting for Him and desiring intimate presence is good. “Ask and ye shall receive. Seek and ye shall find.”
Come Holy Spirit. Dwell with your daughter. I seek your protection and intimacy with You.
